Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
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Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
💁🏻♂️
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”