Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
every olympics i turn into this guy
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Bed should get ready for ME
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank