Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

My love language is deader than Latin

rich people when they have to pay taxes

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Make me look younger

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!