Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

I don’t have time to exaggerate, I have a million things to do today

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

See..?

.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”