Split the bill
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.