Split the bill
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I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂