Split the bill
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
🙅🏻
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.