Split the bill
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11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Would you wear it?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person