Split the bill
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[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
murder on the timeline
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Camel dough
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
