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this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Stick it to the man
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*