SPLOOT
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
look at me when i’m typing to you
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.