SPLOOT
You Might Also Like
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
For the baby who has everything
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
