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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas