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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Now, where’s the sport in that?
hey, alexa
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”