Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”