Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
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Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
calling in to work dehydrated
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
