Spoiler alert: 2013 sucks too.

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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers


My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.


I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.


I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count


Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few


To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”


My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.


Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.


Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.


Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.