Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.