Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

What

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

X-tra spooky blend

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets