[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
