Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
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If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
podcasts
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.