Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
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I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate