Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Don’t leave the milk out overnight.
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If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I built a Snowman on my stomach and now I have an abdominal Snowman.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.