You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Finally!
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.