My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
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Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”