Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

I love art.

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.