SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
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I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
The pasta is now
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
