Spoiler Alert: I was late
You Might Also Like
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.