SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
me and the Superbowl rn
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips