Me:She’s better than me.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.
GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*
Okay how about now
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO