SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*