ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
*steals his car*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
2: Are chickens real?
Me: No one knows.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.