@OrangeFact

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

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@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

@Smooheed

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

@NoogsCorner

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

@GrantTanaka

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

@daemonic3

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

@jinpaynus

I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist

@demented_Ash

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

@gobmentcheese

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.