Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Goat cheese is for herders.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.