SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
You Might Also Like
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.