Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
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Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*