It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
and now we wait
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath