Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.