Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.