Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

I’ve been drinking.

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it