Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi