Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
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Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos