SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan