Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Still laughing at this stupid meme

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.