Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

Thursday

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels