SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
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A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂