Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.