Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
😬
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Google assistant rules
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)