Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Best misinterpreted text ever!
i think we should see other cousins
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.