Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.