Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
You Might Also Like
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.