Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?

– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

Thoughts

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.