Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
edward fingerhands
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”