Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians