Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
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Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Meanwhile in Portland…
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
This is hilarious….
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*