Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

Breaking news:

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.