spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out![]()
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist