Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

😭😭😭

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs