Sponch
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
knights of the ikea table
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know