This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
checking out some reviews of my local library