Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everyone getting married at me

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”