Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans