Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
cats when you pet them too long:
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
In banana years, I am bread.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”