Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Harsh but fair

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Cold.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives