Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.