Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now