Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.