Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

Good morning.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*