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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*


Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.


I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out


my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”


Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.


Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.


I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.


So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.


Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.