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Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
