[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
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Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.