Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha same

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals